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Lazy Boy Lamenting

Posted on May 30, 2015 by Sarah Stevens | 8 Comments

It is 1:41am.  In the morning.  In the stinkin' wee hours of the morning!!

I am awake.  I am in pain.  And I am not happy about it...not one single bit happy. And I am arguing...with myself.  

 

I have had many people tell me, in the last few months, how much they love my positive attitude, my strength, my courage and my ability to look on the bright side of anything.  All these supportive, encouraging comments are appreciated and awesome.  But also humbling and convicting.  What does it convict me to do?  Be more truthful.

The truth is that I am struggling to be positive, strong, brave and look for the good stuff these days.  The truth is that I am wrestling with God.  The truth is that I am tired.  The truth is that I am missing Sarah.  The content Sarah.  The gratitude focused Sarah.  The faithFULL Sarah.

I feel like I have not done anyone, especially myself, any good by giving an image of myself that is always happy.  It is not truthful.  Especially the last few months. So, I thought that since I am up, trying to get comfortable and wanting the pain meds to help I would let you witness my argument. Here is how it is goes:

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY why can't I get comfortable enough to sleep??!!
It is better than it was 8 weeks ago in the hospital.

I want to be back in my own bed and not in a lazy boy chair!!
Thank goodness a dear family loaned me this chair...I can't imagine things without it.

I just want to be able to pick up a sock off the floor without pain!
Lucky me, I have great helpers in the house who do it for me.

Grrrr...I  attempted to go to a concert and after standing for 3 songs the crappy pain was taking my focus away from the cute husband/wife musicians!  3 songs!! What the heck?!
But I am able to go to a concert! Many people would love that opportunity.

I am so flipping tired of driving around town like a little old lady sitting forward, hunched up close to the steering wheel!  All I need is clip on sunglasses 2 sizes bigger than my glasses and a visor and I will be the perfect picture of that old gal!!!  Sitting back against the seat is just so dang painful!!
I am driving.  I have the amazing gift of a vehicle and the freedom to go places. Stop whining!

{With tears streaming down my face while I lay in the lazy boy in the family room that is lit dimly by my computer screen and the tv with HGTV on with a show I have seen 5 times in the past 8 weeks!}  I am so very tired of being in pain!!!  I feel like my body has had pain of some kind or another for over 2 years!!  Tendon repair surgery on one foot that now we know will NEVER be 100% again, a rare different thing on the other foot that stemmed from bearing the weight of my body for 9 months while in a boot/crutches before and after surgery, a gall bladder surgery and now the open partial nephrectomy to remove a tumor that was potentially cancerous.   Can I not get a break?!
{With tears still flowing, but the spirit behind them changes...}  How can I complain?  How can I gripe when there are so many other people who have it worse.  They have had chronic pain for decades.  They have lost a limb.  They are paralyzed.  THEY. HAVE. CANCER.  And...I don't.  It was benign.  C'mon Sarah, find the good in all of this.  Listen to the song that says "my flesh may fail, but my God, he never will".  Listen to it.  Believe it.  Cling to it.  Please

 

You see how this battle is playing out in my mind?  This is daily.  Sometime minute by minute.  The script that is being read in my head.  I am growing weary of it.   

 

It may not be pretty but it is the truth.  Today I was not happy ALL day long. Today I had pain most of the day.  Today was hard.  Today I put on a good face for others {and myself} while I was in pain.  

Normally my blog entries are a reflection of me and what inspires me.  Normally they are positive. Normally they show the spirit of the artist of Cellar Designs. Normally they focus on things like strength, bravery, living in the light of the amazing God I believe in.  Normally they are happy.  Not today. 

But tonight, now at 2:43am and still in pain, I am holding on desparately {by my super short fingernails} to the hope of the return to normal.  I trust normal will come back.  I know normal is possible...again.  This is the truth folks.  Being broken is my normal right now.  

Thank God I believe WITH MY WHOLE HEART that the most beautiful things come from brokenness!! 

 

Also...did you know that at 3 am HGTV stops showing home/garden shows and Jane Seymour is on selling a skin product called Crepe Erase?!?!  What?????  I can't. Who buys this stuff????

 

I usually end the blog with a few things that I hope you discover.  But today I need to hear these for myself.....

May I heal and be free from pain.
May I be strong enough to be ok with not being strong.
May I never give the impression that everything is always so great with me.
May I hold on to hope.

 


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8 Responses

Vicki
Vicki

September 12, 2015

I am looking for a sign for my ancestor pictures wall? Believe or I believe in Angels

Jo
Jo

June 02, 2015

Sarah. You are only human and you are reacting to the pain as most humans do. That is ok. But you have also been given the gift of knowing what type of pain and suffering our Lord endured. he is walking through this with you, holding your hand. Don’t be afraid to squeeze back.

Dawn
Dawn

May 31, 2015

After a pretty yucky day, I stumbled across your post. You said everything that was in my heart. Thank you for choosing hope, for being strong. You have helped me more than you will ever know. I will wake up tomorrow and choose hope. I will be as strong as the LORD makes me. May He Bless You Always, Sarah.

Hoping for relief for both of us,

Dawn

Linda
Linda

May 31, 2015

I was there for over a year…God wants honesty in our pain..thanks for being real about how your pain feels…others will be blessed by your authenticity.

Susan
Susan

May 31, 2015

This blog really moved me to tears. While I could never say I understand your pain, because I don’t know exactly what you have have gone through, I do know that I have dealt with my own experiences from childhood sexual abuse to multiple surgeries and health issues. All of these have broken me to some extent, but God, through the gift of His Son, Jesus, healed me and I am a stronger person because of His love. I pray that your pain will ease, as I don’t think emotional and mental pain ever go completely away, but physical pain does usually get better. May God bless you today with the emotional, mental, physcal and spiritual love and support you need to make it through those wee hours and wake you to a bright, new day.

Kay
Kay

May 31, 2015

Will be praying for healing and peace . Pain anywhere is pain and hurts. Redirect your thinking. Refocus!! Get into the word of God and He will direct your paths. Works for me! Instead of watching HTC, watch or listen to Christian tv/radio. I highly recommend K-Love radio. Positive encouraging radio.

Robi Walton
Robi Walton

May 31, 2015

Sarah, I love Deanna’s reply! I love Deanna! Praying for you to have some pain free moments in the coming days. You are extremely strong and brave! I do not say that casually. Your honest writing inspires me to be stronger. Braver. Thank you so much for sharing your 1:44am thoughts with us!

Deanna
Deanna

May 30, 2015

Removing the mask takes true courage. I love you, Friend. Don’t be afraid to shed tears because God is with you, holding you, and wiping them away. You will find the time beyond the pain. I pray for it to be soon. Take care and thanks for this beautiful writing.

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